Pain

I am at the point again where I am hurt. So much so that being awake is the hardest thing. I sludge through the waking hours hoping for something to take my mind off my pain. I long for sleep and to sleep forever sometimes. It upsets me to wake up in the morning and I count down the hours till I can go back to sleep. I have not been able to feel anything but pain but somehow I cannot manage to get it out tears elude me , anger eludes me. I can feel the emotion on my skin and in my hair I can feel it in my blood it feels like it is me ..we have become one. If I curl up and sleep maybe sadness will take over and she can go through this life for me.

Moonstone

Nah I’m not different . I’m the same bubbly me that wants  all the hugs, who sneaks little kisses in while we talk , who will walk you to your car and blush until you leave. I’m still the person who wants to find out about your day , and insist on sending goodnight and good morning messages. I’m still the person who is persistent who double messages without shame and sends videos to tell you about the hilarious things that have happened to me.

I haven’t changed in that regard, but I listen and I learn, and you have said many times loud and clear that you are , better without me. I have stopped listening to the inconsistencies that fall from your soft lips masked with the sweet smile that makes my head spin.  I listen to your actions now. They are loud, they have been screaming at my forced deafness for months now.

I have been mesmerized by the god I have made you in my head, giving you the chance to live up to her potential, every glimmer of kindness, of interest  sparked the hope that she lived inside you. Every darkness  made to be  the moment before the dawn. I have held on, though you have made me sad, every day cant be good can it? I have held on even if I felt like just a body to you , you cant be profound every day right? I held on.

Is it that I have been this experiment for you ” how much can she take? how much will she stomach until she can no longer hold on? “Have you been attempting to make me shrivel? to see me pull within myself  and leave the world behind.

I feel battered and unworthy somehow , I will be fine. I have learned so many things from you  and though I would like to say I’m all the better for it but I don’t feel that right now .

I will still love and laugh and give kisses, just a little less freely  and burdened with second thoughts, I will still persist but a little less aggressively, no more double messages, I have become weary of beautiful people with promises on their lips .

I thank you for that.

Creating Relationships

Recently I met someone . Like really met them. Sashayed past the pleasantries of  the new relationship awkwardness right into the pain, hurt and flaws.  We never really put our issues on blast why would we? This, I think, is why my friends think I have a savior complex because I’m drawn to those who put exactly who they are out there. It takes strength to be unapologetically you no matter how jarring that may be for other people.

This post isn’t necessarily about that though, it’s about the space we create with other people. In meeting and getting to know this person, I became acutely aware of how our interactions worked. I could almost see that we were creating something. Something that lived and breathed. It was not me or them , it was a combination of our fears, the stories told, the vulnerability  felt, the thoughts, ideas and misconceptions conceived in that space. It had begun to have its own vibration,  an almost tangible buzz that  calmed my nerves. It  grew as long as we decided to put our time and effort into it. It enthralled me.

It fascinated me to be honest and I really wondered how I had not noticed this in any other relationship. The truth is when we meet new people and allow ourselves to give to each other we create something that lives. Relationships are living breathing  interactions. An experience that we create within our own boundaries. It is the melding of two spirits , two vibrations to create an indescribable connection. Each one is different and comprises of the things we are willing to share, to give and to receive. I wonder what about this person and what we have shared made it possible for me to see it this time , but I am grateful for them. I have already learned so much about the universe from their presence in my life. I have learned about my own love and my being. I take these lessons into the rest of my life. What an interesting phenomenon, that we all take for granted , but we are human and somehow tend to take  many beautiful things for granted.

 

 

Woo’s of being a Teenager

Im always just kind of going about my business and then I remember things in my past and what they have taught me. Yesterday I got to thinking about my friendship with a boy from secondary school. We have both grown to be quite different individuals  and probably would not mesh well together now  but back then we did.

It also sparked in me the idea of how differently we all perceive our experiences. A particular thing  happened in High School that he ,  decided he wanted to share with the world,writing a book  that was supposedly for his close friends but that got around to  a lot of the people in our age group. Of course with people everyone has an opinion  so my role in these events have both been taken as me being a terrible person and me just being a human. Whatever way people took it, I took the time to analyse some of my actions , so you here who for whatever reason take the time to read my blog will get some idea of the events.

He opens my paragraph by recounting how obsessed I was with a former teacher at the time. She was the first person to introduce me to sociological ideas and concepts,,she was my sociology teacher. Lovely , funny, intelligent , understanding , all things I loved in other people and wanted others to see and love in me. So I became  a bit obsessed with her. Now I do profess to be part of the LGBT  community but my admiration of this woman was not, for me something in those terms, more of a fascination than anything else.

My friend we will now begin to call ,S  noticed my infatuation, he found our teacher attractive and knew her from church. We had been friends before this but we bonded a lot more over both our fascination for this woman. He took my interest to be the same as his, which was not the case  and wrote me a story that involved  very explicit sexual things  between me and the said teacher. He gave it to me for my birthday and I read it in front of him. My face turned so red, which he took as a successful gift. I felt awkward about it but said thank you and told him I liked it. This sparing of feelings became a ritual part of our now “close friendship” He became more comfortable with touching me. Stroking my hair, holding my hand, hugging me from behind. All things that made me uncomfortable. However I never said that it did, I never explicitly stated that I was uncomfortable with it. When these things did not occur I was myself, I have been told that I come off very flirty but It is never my intent or  idea to be that way,  I am exceedingly friendly and caring with my friends that just how I am.   I believe he was  under the impression that I was that way with him and did not  see it as something I did with everyone.

At some point  he decided that our friendship had gotten to a point where he wanted more. I did not feel the same. One afternoon he asked me  over messenger to be his girlfriend. I said no , he tried to convince me , I told him I would not be a good girlfriend, I was not a good girlfriend I had a bad track record. He said That i could learn to be better if I wanted too, then I said that could be true. Our conversation ended there.

The next day he behaved strangely he was  overly touchy, spent a lot more time standing next me etc. He didn’t say anything to me that day at school about it but when we got home he messaged me referencing something about being his girlfriend. I was so confused. He apparently thought I had said yes to his asking me  which I did not. He seemed really hurt and I did not know what to say, so again to see if it would make him feel better  I said that I did like him before  but I did not feel the same now. My young mind  thought that by affirming  some kind of feelings he would not see our friendship as one sided,  my naive self thought that giving him something would make him feel better. It didn’t , he told me he loved me. He told me  how he cared for me and how much he would do for me. I did not feel the same  and I indicated this.

He tried to hang out with me and I always had an excuse not to, how not to hurt this boy any further? A lot of the time I couldn’t go anywhere anyway because I had a strict guardian. We figures something out and decided we would walk to the botanic guardians one day after school, he gave me the letter which I refused to open in front of him knowing my reaction may not be what he wanted to see. So I took it home and opened it. It was more of the I love you narrative , he had written the letter  when he thought I had said yes to his girlfriend request so there was a lot of growing together. I felt super awkward again it weirder me out a bit how strongly he felt.

He asked me about the letter I don’t remember what I said he asked me if it would have made a difference if he had read it to me in person I said yes. Truth is, it would have, I feel like he would have seen the look on my face and known, instead of me trying to flower up my feelings for him so he didn’t feel bad.

One thing I learned is that  my flowering worked , we were still friends after that still pretty close, but he was still trying to make advancements towards me   hinting at certain things. I was becoming more and more frustrated and decided I was going to be blunt with him the next time he brought it up. One morning he let me listen to a recording of him playing one of my favorite songs on piano. I knew he had been practicing something for me for weeks. I also knew that by showing zero appreciation and acknowledgement it would   really put him off. So that’s what I did I said something along the lines of it was okay and would have been better if he had played it for me in person.

He took the hint, he message me sometime after to tell me he was bowing out of trying to woo me I guess? I was relieved. Though I know this is a long ass post I do want to just talk about how much of a learning experience it was for me especially now looking back.

I have noted the idea of putting others feelings above my own, a thing we teach our kids when we tell them to “don’t be rude” or  push them to do and say things they don’t want to do, somewhat of a learned helplessness kind of situation, there is an obvious out but you choose to put yourself through hell to spare others. I did this , a lot not only in this instance but with other instances with my friends and family, looking back i see the pattern and the unhealthy relationship I had with myself and others that lead me to these awkward situations.

I also learned to speak plainly, give the matter of  facts instead of sugar coating, a thing  my later relationships and  loved ones have come to know as a  defining characteristic of  Dani.

I have made many mistakes but I always look to learn from them, and every time I look back at this instance in my life I learn something new each time.

Uncomfortable

My ass has been on hiatus for so long and I am so sorry to the two of you that read my blog. I have successfully moved to Grenada I even have a job. Yay me being a contributing member of society and shit. I don’t have any insightfulness today just life updates. I am so happy to be moving and doing things with my life particularly my job. My Job scares the shit out of me. Everyday I go to work and I am so uncomfortable. How is that a good thing you may ask? ( I know I said no insightfulness but would It really be my post if some realization didn’t happen??) The uncomfortableness at my job at first was off putting I looked at my boss and wondered if it was his fault I felt like that ..is he making me feel incompetent? The answer to that is yes ….but that’s a whole different post. In my thinking of why I was so uncomfortable I realized that I was growing, learning. Being uncomfortable pushes you to do something about it,it helps you become more of who you are. We were built to survive and being uncomfortable only pushes us to be better. There is no growth no learning no revelations in sticking to things that are comfortable for you. I have only been working there for a month now and I have already seen differences in how I relate to others. I continue to be uncomfortable which means I will continue to grow. ( unless it lasts too long, then it’s an Anxiety problem but we will see)

Anxiously Growing

In October I moved to Grenada. My decision to move here was based on the fact that I did my undergrad here. In my time at school I grew a lot. Seriously , when I left home I couldn’t cook, I couldn’t wash I had never actually gone into a store and asked someone for what I wanted cause I was afraid. Being at school I learned to do all those things. I even became a bit outspoken. I had become so comfortable in myself that Grenada started feeling like home . When I graduated and returned home from school, I felt stifled , caged really. I began to retreat in to myself again . I spent 2 years at home before I managed to pack up and move back to Grenada. I’ve only been here for a couple month and even though I didn’t expect to automatically revert to my bold outspoken self I find things this time around a bit difficult. I have been looking for a job but have extreme anxiety when talking to people I don’t know. There are days that I am too anxious to leave my home and other days everything just makes me cry. I came to Grenada again cause it showed me my potential , I had never felt more me than my time spent here. To be honest I don’t have the answer to how I can recreate that but I am resilient even if I am an anxious mess. I will continue to work to be the person I know I can be (corny at I know but I believe in it ) What I have learned though is that it isn’t really the place, but the support you have and your drive to be better. I did look at my stay at home as a step backwards .I am trying now to see all my opportunities as opportunities for growth and take my anxiety and uncomfortableness and make it into something great.

Goal Oriented

I had to write this  down before my brain moved on to something arbitrary. I always wondered about women who stay in relationships they are not happy with, like why would people settle for things that are less than what’s best for them.

I realized I’m one of those people,  to be honest you probably are too. Before people get mad  this is how I think about it..and of course I am going to use my life as an example. I want to have a masters degree before I’m 30 so that I can have a decent paying job, I also want to have kids before I’m 30.

Now wanting that degree and not knowing exactly what I want to do with my life doesn’t exactly mix. Which means I have decided to do a degree in psychology even though I’m not sure that’s what I want to do. That’s what I mean we set certain expectations of ourselves so that we end up   doing things that we don’t necessarily want to do. I keep thinking to myself ,if my relationship turned out to be a dud would I actually leave it? If I do there is no way I can meet my expectations of babies before I’m 30.

This blog has turned into me just realizing how messed up I am. I am looking now into my life to see how many things I do in my life are dictated by the expectations of myself .

I think goals are good but when it holds you to things that put your happiness in jeopardy that’s when things get iffy. I am looking to make decisions with reason instead of what I have perceived to be the best expectation for my existence.

Daddy Issues

I have been trying to figure out how to write this in a way that I won’t get myself in trouble if someone I know reads it, however I was never good at that so I’ll say what I have to say, it is always best to get the truth out anyway.

I don’t know if its an understatement to say I have daddy issues because boy oh boy do I have them daddy issues. My daddy issues  stem from the fact that he was never around, promised to visit sometimes never showing up, demanding love and attention like he earned that shit by donating DNA. My daddy issues come from the fact that my daddy wants me to be open have a good relationship with him but the most effort he puts in is to give me the speech about why I don’t seem to care. My daddy issues comes from the fact that I had no real male model in my life for a long time, I had no dad ,my mom had no boyfriend, My cousins lived in a different country , my grandparents lived elsewhere AND I went to an all girls school.

We can go int the debate of if a child needs a male figure in their life at a later date but I want to say for me it wasn’t the best thing. I noticed that when I moved to a new school ,with boys, I didn’t even know how interact with them. I have gotten over that now but I still notice the issues my relationship with men  cause in my daily life.(Here is where I say what I’ve been wanting too}

Now I have a very stable relationship with a great guy. He is smart, caring, funny all of the things I want. He is also family oriented. His family is great they are amazingly supportive and loving but I can’t really get myself to like his dad.

Now I know like damn Dani did you just say that?Umm yes I did . Since my degree in psychology is useless otherwise I use what I’ve learned to analyze myself. To be honest I really don’t think Its anything about him and its strange since he is basically the older version of my boyfriend but boy does he irritate me. He is a stable man in a family, something I know nothing about. He makes decisions  takes responsibility and  takes charge when necessary. He is always willing and always ready to fight for his kids and that shit bothers me. I know that’s all me but since growing up with women I have never noted or seen a man do something of that manner, in my head these are the things the strong woman does ,why would a weak man feel  he is worthy enough to embody these roles???( this post seems to be going in a scum manifesto kinda way but inpromise I’ll turn it around)To be honest because he is ..he is more than enough ..he doesn’t live by the made up standards and norms in my head, which I continually remind myself. He lives in his world his reality being who he is and living life how he sees fit.

Sigh, I am working on it and trying. I know I am in the wrong here but it took me a long time to understand why, for me to really get to the understanding that its me not him. LOL maybe he is actually annoying, but I think I need to take my walls down and  try to erase some of my prejudice before I can really judge.

How to Love me

A YouTuber  I liked started a trend in which individuals take pictures with how some one can go about loving you.

It is based in the idea that we are obviously all different and although love is a universal feeling  we all interpret different actions as potraying love. We are specific in the things that make us tingle. It’s interesting to see what makes people feel special but for me I have one overarching rule

Simple

Be honest

Honesty underscores a lot of the  things that helps a relationship grow. Being honest about how you feel,the things that you do, the past, your beliefs and what you want  are essential for a relationship with me to grow.

Be open minded, I have a lot of controversial ideas and I like to listen to controversial ideas research and well thought out discussion ..so be prepared for that

Attention , I need a lot of it  I need you to know that for you and I to work I’m going to  need designated time out of your day

Be assertive , now assertiveness can turn into aggression but I like a person who knows when to assert themselves, who can take my indecisiveness and do something with it who can say what they wants and go for it without being forceful or inconsiderate

Reciprocation  I want to know what you think and what you feel especially since I am so open with those things myself but also I want to know that you are my partner and that we reciprocate and work with one another to improve ourselves and our lives together

That’s it

I am ..my hair?

I started writing this and I really was not sure how to put my thoughts about this down. Truth is I am not really very sure how to feel .Just like Kylie Jenner I sit here realizing so many things.

Today I got my hair cut. Usually I am okay with getting it trimmed ..which is what I wanted..a trim . That’s what I asked for ..a trim…but when I looked in the mirror most of my hair was gone. At first I thought its not that bad i’ll wait for it to dry. As I lay here with my hair dry I’m thinking I’l just wait until I put product in it tomorrow  and see what it looks like. Truth be told it is short. A good 4-5 inches gone (i asked for an inch and a half). I promise you this is not a rant about hairdressers  cutting off most of your hair(even though it should be) This is me  trying to understand why..

Why what you ask? Why my hair has been  the key point of how I see myself. My hair is my selling point, its the thing about me that I think is unique and I put the most effort into. My hair is my mask. The thing I hide behind, the thing I use to distract others  from my other self perceived flaws.(I am one messed up human)

But its true I feel terrible. Even my friends know when people find me attractive my line is “its the hair” who am I with out my hair????. Once before I myself cut my hair to ghastly lengths and to be honest those months (about 16 of them) were months that I knew what it meant to be depressed.

It seems such a frivolous thing ..like come on Dani your hair will grow back ..but it really has me thinking of self image, about what we find  beautiful , about what we teach our children is beauty, and why it is we cannot accept “different” as beautiful.

I think I need to make a real effort to stop hiding behind my hair  but I also think we need to start socializing our children to know that they are beautiful, all of them, not only their hair or their skin or their eyes but the whole being , including their humor , their intellect and their wit.

I will try to style my hair tomorrow and  hopefully not feel as bad as I did today about my mask being removed. Even though I tried to make this insightful and I really do think about what this may say about me as a person, this still is a post about  being upset that my hair got cut off.

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