My ass has been on hiatus for so long and I am so sorry to the two of you that read my blog. I have successfully moved to Grenada I even have a job. Yay me being a contributing member of society and shit. I don’t have any insightfulness today just life updates. I am so happy to be moving and doing things with my life particularly my job. My Job scares the shit out of me. Everyday I go to work and I am so uncomfortable. How is that a good thing you may ask? ( I know I said no insightfulness but would It really be my post if some realization didn’t happen??) The uncomfortableness at my job at first was off putting I looked at my boss and wondered if it was his fault I felt like that ..is he making me feel incompetent? The answer to that is yes ….but that’s a whole different post. In my thinking of why I was so uncomfortable I realized that I was growing, learning. Being uncomfortable pushes you to do something about it,it helps you become more of who you are. We were built to survive and being uncomfortable only pushes us to be better. There is no growth no learning no revelations in sticking to things that are comfortable for you. I have only been working there for a month now and I have already seen differences in how I relate to others. I continue to be uncomfortable which means I will continue to grow. ( unless it lasts too long, then it’s an Anxiety problem but we will see)
In October I moved to Grenada. My decision to move here was based on the fact that I did my undergrad here. In my time at school I grew a lot. Seriously , when I left home I couldn’t cook, I couldn’t wash I had never actually gone into a store and asked someone for what I wanted cause I was afraid. Being at school I learned to do all those things. I even became a bit outspoken. I had become so comfortable in myself that Grenada started feeling like home . When I graduated and returned home from school, I felt stifled , caged really. I began to retreat in to myself again . I spent 2 years at home before I managed to pack up and move back to Grenada. I’ve only been here for a couple month and even though I didn’t expect to automatically revert to my bold outspoken self I find things this time around a bit difficult. I have been looking for a job but have extreme anxiety when talking to people I don’t know. There are days that I am too anxious to leave my home and other days everything just makes me cry. I came to Grenada again cause it showed me my potential , I had never felt more me than my time spent here. To be honest I don’t have the answer to how I can recreate that but I am resilient even if I am an anxious mess. I will continue to work to be the person I know I can be (corny at I know but I believe in it ) What I have learned though is that it isn’t really the place, but the support you have and your drive to be better. I did look at my stay at home as a step backwards .I am trying now to see all my opportunities as opportunities for growth and take my anxiety and uncomfortableness and make it into something great.
I had to write this down before my brain moved on to something arbitrary. I always wondered about women who stay in relationships they are not happy with, like why would people settle for things that are less than what’s best for them.
I realized I’m one of those people, to be honest you probably are too. Before people get mad this is how I think about it..and of course I am going to use my life as an example. I want to have a masters degree before I’m 30 so that I can have a decent paying job, I also want to have kids before I’m 30.
Now wanting that degree and not knowing exactly what I want to do with my life doesn’t exactly mix. Which means I have decided to do a degree in psychology even though I’m not sure that’s what I want to do. That’s what I mean we set certain expectations of ourselves so that we end up doing things that we don’t necessarily want to do. I keep thinking to myself ,if my relationship turned out to be a dud would I actually leave it? If I do there is no way I can meet my expectations of babies before I’m 30.
This blog has turned into me just realizing how messed up I am. I am looking now into my life to see how many things I do in my life are dictated by the expectations of myself .
I think goals are good but when it holds you to things that put your happiness in jeopardy that’s when things get iffy. I am looking to make decisions with reason instead of what I have perceived to be the best expectation for my existence.
I have been trying to figure out how to write this in a way that I won’t get myself in trouble if someone I know reads it, however I was never good at that so I’ll say what I have to say, it is always best to get the truth out anyway.
I don’t know if its an understatement to say I have daddy issues because boy oh boy do I have them daddy issues. My daddy issues stem from the fact that he was never around, promised to visit sometimes never showing up, demanding love and attention like he earned that shit by donating DNA. My daddy issues come from the fact that my daddy wants me to be open have a good relationship with him but the most effort he puts in is to give me the speech about why I don’t seem to care. My daddy issues comes from the fact that I had no real male model in my life for a long time, I had no dad ,my mom had no boyfriend, My cousins lived in a different country , my grandparents lived elsewhere AND I went to an all girls school.
We can go int the debate of if a child needs a male figure in their life at a later date but I want to say for me it wasn’t the best thing. I noticed that when I moved to a new school ,with boys, I didn’t even know how interact with them. I have gotten over that now but I still notice the issues my relationship with men cause in my daily life.(Here is where I say what I’ve been wanting too}
Now I have a very stable relationship with a great guy. He is smart, caring, funny all of the things I want. He is also family oriented. His family is great they are amazingly supportive and loving but I can’t really get myself to like his dad.
Now I know like damn Dani did you just say that?Umm yes I did . Since my degree in psychology is useless otherwise I use what I’ve learned to analyze myself. To be honest I really don’t think Its anything about him and its strange since he is basically the older version of my boyfriend but boy does he irritate me. He is a stable man in a family, something I know nothing about. He makes decisions takes responsibility and takes charge when necessary. He is always willing and always ready to fight for his kids and that shit bothers me. I know that’s all me but since growing up with women I have never noted or seen a man do something of that manner, in my head these are the things the strong woman does ,why would a weak man feel he is worthy enough to embody these roles???( this post seems to be going in a scum manifesto kinda way but inpromise I’ll turn it around)To be honest because he is ..he is more than enough ..he doesn’t live by the made up standards and norms in my head, which I continually remind myself. He lives in his world his reality being who he is and living life how he sees fit.
Sigh, I am working on it and trying. I know I am in the wrong here but it took me a long time to understand why, for me to really get to the understanding that its me not him. LOL maybe he is actually annoying, but I think I need to take my walls down and try to erase some of my prejudice before I can really judge.
A YouTuber I liked started a trend in which individuals take pictures with how some one can go about loving you.
It is based in the idea that we are obviously all different and although love is a universal feeling we all interpret different actions as potraying love. We are specific in the things that make us tingle. It’s interesting to see what makes people feel special but for me I have one overarching rule
Honesty underscores a lot of the things that helps a relationship grow. Being honest about how you feel,the things that you do, the past, your beliefs and what you want are essential for a relationship with me to grow.
Be open minded, I have a lot of controversial ideas and I like to listen to controversial ideas research and well thought out discussion ..so be prepared for that
Attention , I need a lot of it I need you to know that for you and I to work I’m going to need designated time out of your day
Be assertive , now assertiveness can turn into aggression but I like a person who knows when to assert themselves, who can take my indecisiveness and do something with it who can say what they wants and go for it without being forceful or inconsiderate
Reciprocation I want to know what you think and what you feel especially since I am so open with those things myself but also I want to know that you are my partner and that we reciprocate and work with one another to improve ourselves and our lives together
I started writing this and I really was not sure how to put my thoughts about this down. Truth is I am not really very sure how to feel .Just like Kylie Jenner I sit here realizing so many things.
Today I got my hair cut. Usually I am okay with getting it trimmed ..which is what I wanted..a trim . That’s what I asked for ..a trim…but when I looked in the mirror most of my hair was gone. At first I thought its not that bad i’ll wait for it to dry. As I lay here with my hair dry I’m thinking I’l just wait until I put product in it tomorrow and see what it looks like. Truth be told it is short. A good 4-5 inches gone (i asked for an inch and a half). I promise you this is not a rant about hairdressers cutting off most of your hair(even though it should be) This is me trying to understand why..
Why what you ask? Why my hair has been the key point of how I see myself. My hair is my selling point, its the thing about me that I think is unique and I put the most effort into. My hair is my mask. The thing I hide behind, the thing I use to distract others from my other self perceived flaws.(I am one messed up human)
But its true I feel terrible. Even my friends know when people find me attractive my line is “its the hair” who am I with out my hair????. Once before I myself cut my hair to ghastly lengths and to be honest those months (about 16 of them) were months that I knew what it meant to be depressed.
It seems such a frivolous thing ..like come on Dani your hair will grow back ..but it really has me thinking of self image, about what we find beautiful , about what we teach our children is beauty, and why it is we cannot accept “different” as beautiful.
I think I need to make a real effort to stop hiding behind my hair but I also think we need to start socializing our children to know that they are beautiful, all of them, not only their hair or their skin or their eyes but the whole being , including their humor , their intellect and their wit.
I will try to style my hair tomorrow and hopefully not feel as bad as I did today about my mask being removed. Even though I tried to make this insightful and I really do think about what this may say about me as a person, this still is a post about being upset that my hair got cut off.
Technically what I’m calling racist does’t count as racism. I’m talking about a big prejudice that I have against white people. According to the widely accepted definitions of racism you can only really be racist to a group that has gone through tremendous struggles or who are seen by majority of a population as lesser than. I have argued that you can be racist against whites depending on where you live. In some communities that are mostly black, lighter skinned people or people of Caucasian decent are seen as lesser and do go through many struggles because of their race, but I digress. I’ll stick to saying I am prejudice against white people instead.
I realized on my trip to New York that I have a very clear perception of what white people represent. On a train I saw an average white man staring at me, and I was instantly afraid. I thought he looks like someone who would kidnap and kill me. I realized after seeing a white man with a mustache ,who I thought looked like a rapist, that I have a serious issue.
In the narrative of my life being from the Caribbean the white man has always been portrayed as the bad guy.(Isn’t this different from the black man is bad perspective)
White people have been the root of slavery, genocides, the holocaust all of it ! I have come to think of them as the evil of this world. When I think of the devil I think of a white man with blonde hair and blue eyes. Isn’t that sad ?
Even in my daily life, when seeing things on the internet that seem dumb or cruel my usual response while rolling my eyes is “white people.” Does that make me a bad person? I don’t know. As much as I feel like the history shows me why whites are not to be trusted and I should feel disdain when it comes to them , I know that I cannot Judge a whole group by the mistakes of some of them . I cannot treat those in the present day for the ideals of people in the past
Though my distrust is deeply rooted. I am trying everyday to at least not think every white person I see is a vindictive, racist murder. I think that is the best I can do, and I owe it to those who are not the stereotype to give them a chance.
I am probably going to still think and say “white people” when I see dumb things on the internet but at least now I am aware of my bias.
I have random thoughts when I see people. Today I was on a plane and saw a guy I knew from college. He was there with his girlfriend who had been with him for years now. I could not help but feel disdain in looking at the happy couple. No, not because I’m a bitter old cat woman who will die alone in a house that will appear on hoarders, but because the guy is notoriously unfaithful. I remembered how many girls he had been sleeping with in college even though this very same girl was his girlfriend at the time. I remember hearing rumors about it even after I left university as he was having sex with a couple of my friends at the time.
This really made me think of how much we allow lust to rule the things that we do. I don’t really know if it is worse now than it was before but we are a lot more privy to what people do via the openness that we apparently feel with social media. I noted that they were not in an open relationship (yes I asked because I’m nosey) but how much of a norm it seemed to him and those around him that he was so promiscuous. What I also noted is that the girls he did his deeds with knew he was in a relationship. We have become so used to satisfying our lust we disregard other people. This goes back to what I said in one of my other posts. We are so self absorbed, we only think about ourselves, how we feel, and what we want. I don’t really remember when this happened but this is the culture perpetuated by this generation. I never want to dictate others lives but for me I don’t think this is the right attitude. When we are all out only for ourselves the basic courtesies of human co-existence goes out the window. I really think this way of living is slowly dismantling the systems we have in place to co exist in peace. This self absorbed attitude has been the cause of many upsets throughout history when you think about it , slavery, genocide even the status of those living in extreme poverty is a result of those who are in power looking out only for themselves. I don’t know how I feel about us “the enlightened generation” following that path, thinking that its the cool thing to be self absorbed. These things really make me wonder are we making progress as a species or will we continue to behave the same way getting the same results, and being content in our madness.
I have been doing a lot lately when it comes to big life decisions. I keep telling myself once I do this or once I accomplish this I can start living my life the way I want to. When I was in school it was “once I finish high school I will be able to be an adult do what I want.” Then when I entered college it was “once I finish college and move back home I will begin my life.” Then I got a boyfriend in the country of my university and suddenly I didn’t want to move back home, but I had to, I had loans to pay off and unfinished business to attend. So after that it became “once I’m done with this I will move back to and my boyfriend and I can start living.” I have been in the process of moving back now and I still find myself saying things like” when we get better paying jobs we can travel” I am always waiting for something more. Is that even healthy ? I realize in waiting for the big things to come and to meet all the goals that I set for myself that happiness became a fleeting thing.
Though I love to have my goals and work towards them I really don’t want that to be all my life is made of. I have been telling myself lately that I need to savor the moment. To be honest the moment is all we have. I have so many plans but no one knows what can happen in a second. I strive everyday now to bask in the glory of right here and right now, to savor more,what I do have, instead of what I want. To just be for a while and enjoy it. via Daily Prompt: Savor