Im always just kind of going about my business and then I remember things in my past and what they have taught me. Yesterday I got to thinking about my friendship with a boy from secondary school. We have both grown to be quite different individuals and probably would not mesh well together now but back then we did.
It also sparked in me the idea of how differently we all perceive our experiences. A particular thing happened in High School that he , decided he wanted to share with the world,writing a book that was supposedly for his close friends but that got around to a lot of the people in our age group. Of course with people everyone has an opinion so my role in these events have both been taken as me being a terrible person and me just being a human. Whatever way people took it, I took the time to analyse some of my actions , so you here who for whatever reason take the time to read my blog will get some idea of the events.
He opens my paragraph by recounting how obsessed I was with a former teacher at the time. She was the first person to introduce me to sociological ideas and concepts,,she was my sociology teacher. Lovely , funny, intelligent , understanding , all things I loved in other people and wanted others to see and love in me. So I became a bit obsessed with her. Now I do profess to be part of the LGBT community but my admiration of this woman was not, for me something in those terms, more of a fascination than anything else.
My friend we will now begin to call ,S noticed my infatuation, he found our teacher attractive and knew her from church. We had been friends before this but we bonded a lot more over both our fascination for this woman. He took my interest to be the same as his, which was not the case and wrote me a story that involved very explicit sexual things between me and the said teacher. He gave it to me for my birthday and I read it in front of him. My face turned so red, which he took as a successful gift. I felt awkward about it but said thank you and told him I liked it. This sparing of feelings became a ritual part of our now “close friendship” He became more comfortable with touching me. Stroking my hair, holding my hand, hugging me from behind. All things that made me uncomfortable. However I never said that it did, I never explicitly stated that I was uncomfortable with it. When these things did not occur I was myself, I have been told that I come off very flirty but It is never my intent or idea to be that way, I am exceedingly friendly and caring with my friends that just how I am. I believe he was under the impression that I was that way with him and did not see it as something I did with everyone.
At some point he decided that our friendship had gotten to a point where he wanted more. I did not feel the same. One afternoon he asked me over messenger to be his girlfriend. I said no , he tried to convince me , I told him I would not be a good girlfriend, I was not a good girlfriend I had a bad track record. He said That i could learn to be better if I wanted too, then I said that could be true. Our conversation ended there.
The next day he behaved strangely he was overly touchy, spent a lot more time standing next me etc. He didn’t say anything to me that day at school about it but when we got home he messaged me referencing something about being his girlfriend. I was so confused. He apparently thought I had said yes to his asking me which I did not. He seemed really hurt and I did not know what to say, so again to see if it would make him feel better I said that I did like him before but I did not feel the same now. My young mind thought that by affirming some kind of feelings he would not see our friendship as one sided, my naive self thought that giving him something would make him feel better. It didn’t , he told me he loved me. He told me how he cared for me and how much he would do for me. I did not feel the same and I indicated this.
He tried to hang out with me and I always had an excuse not to, how not to hurt this boy any further? A lot of the time I couldn’t go anywhere anyway because I had a strict guardian. We figures something out and decided we would walk to the botanic guardians one day after school, he gave me the letter which I refused to open in front of him knowing my reaction may not be what he wanted to see. So I took it home and opened it. It was more of the I love you narrative , he had written the letter when he thought I had said yes to his girlfriend request so there was a lot of growing together. I felt super awkward again it weirder me out a bit how strongly he felt.
He asked me about the letter I don’t remember what I said he asked me if it would have made a difference if he had read it to me in person I said yes. Truth is, it would have, I feel like he would have seen the look on my face and known, instead of me trying to flower up my feelings for him so he didn’t feel bad.
One thing I learned is that my flowering worked , we were still friends after that still pretty close, but he was still trying to make advancements towards me hinting at certain things. I was becoming more and more frustrated and decided I was going to be blunt with him the next time he brought it up. One morning he let me listen to a recording of him playing one of my favorite songs on piano. I knew he had been practicing something for me for weeks. I also knew that by showing zero appreciation and acknowledgement it would really put him off. So that’s what I did I said something along the lines of it was okay and would have been better if he had played it for me in person.
He took the hint, he message me sometime after to tell me he was bowing out of trying to woo me I guess? I was relieved. Though I know this is a long ass post I do want to just talk about how much of a learning experience it was for me especially now looking back.
I have noted the idea of putting others feelings above my own, a thing we teach our kids when we tell them to “don’t be rude” or push them to do and say things they don’t want to do, somewhat of a learned helplessness kind of situation, there is an obvious out but you choose to put yourself through hell to spare others. I did this , a lot not only in this instance but with other instances with my friends and family, looking back i see the pattern and the unhealthy relationship I had with myself and others that lead me to these awkward situations.
I also learned to speak plainly, give the matter of facts instead of sugar coating, a thing my later relationships and loved ones have come to know as a defining characteristic of Dani.
I have made many mistakes but I always look to learn from them, and every time I look back at this instance in my life I learn something new each time.